With a long and unhealthy off season for most KOLO stalwarts coming to an end, the best management could scrape together for a preseason tour was a solitary trip for skipper and only ever winner of the prestigious defensive player of the year award H dot Millar to Durham. With a lack of organisation deeply rooted in the club, not a single pre-season fixture was arranged either.

Coming into the new season, KOLO have delved into the transfer market picking up C dot Isaac on a bosman from Cardiff - fans will be delighted to see that he will finally get to play football alongside N dot Womersley after agreeing to in the first few weeks of Cardiff almost 3 long years ago. A crop of academy players are thought to be in contention for first team appearances this year as well, the likes of B dot Traas - very much of the W dot Priest ilk, not really a footballer but there to take some flack and act the class clown.

H dot Symes dash Thompson has been loaned out to Copenhagen for August in an attempt to help KOLO achieve a more nuanced and cultured style of play for the future from their continental neighbours.

A dot Lowe is reportedly on a 'fishing trip' in deepest darkest Russia in the forthcoming weeks, the Millar Monthly has though reported that this is a merely a cover for a secret meeting between notorious europhobes V dot Putin and R dot Lowe, planning their next shady dealings following their successful Brexit campaign, the kind of dodgy under the table behaviour J dot Hart would be proud of.

Speaking of which his second son, Charles 'Unreliable' Hart (Lowe 2016) is allegedly taking apart in a so-called 'Quadrathlon' - which I believe to be the usual trio of events plus baking, those excessive lessons finally proving useful after all. The sceptical man I am in my old age I take the 'believe it when I see it' approach, having slithered out of countless events before I'm sure the list of potential excuses may be longer than any swimming Hart junior will have to do. The Hart Chronicle has though assured readers that their quote 'trequartista' will be at unprecedented fitness levels when (if) he returns to the fold.

In the off season, when O dot Gardner came down to Exeter to watch S dot Goldblatt box, he informed management of his post university plans to take not one, not two, not three but four gap years. Thus one would assume the long serving keeper would be available between all this frivolous travelling however a more recent update said he would 'only really be around in July. Would be keen to play some Stroud games when I'm here'. As an experienced traveller myself I am worried for Mr Gardner and his travelling plans if the journey to Cheltenham is too far.

The club have some bad news to announce as well, energetic frontman A dot Gardner will likely miss the whole of current campaign with a knee injury, the injury was sustained in a KOLO fixture last season and whilst he has undertaken a strict homeopathy regime of religiously snapchatting every 10 seconds of a night out this has failed to heal the affected area. This comes as a devastating blow to the player himself and the fans, it is hoped he will continue attendance to off the field activities in his playing absence.

The club itself has undergone rebranding - in this age of environmental and natural appeal, and with royalists and Leon Osman fans on the decline a new moniker has been chosen, named by Nick 'dad' Womersley: Aardvark United.

This latest incarnation got under way this Monday in the Stroud second tier, even with a strong side out the rustiness and lack of fitness were horribly evident - not helped by a well organised opposition and a key player showing up 25 mins late. The cheek.

The result was an ugly thrashing, a decent link up between Borowski Snr and Millar Snr saw a late goal but it had no effect on the final result - a 7-1 hammering.

Hopes looked higher for Cheltenham with the smaller goals hopefully restricting scoring opportunities for the opposition, hopes were further raised as the opposition hoved into view - badgers quite literally by name and by nature.

Due to continued inconsistencies in KOLO regulars availabilities, management decided to delve into the transfer market and picked up 3 signings. D dot Lloyd making his second appearance for a KOLO outfit signed on loan from Bradford - following the end of Ramadan and the return of their usual players, Lloyd was deemed surplus to requirements. KOLO also picked up B dot Fothergill and R dot Gladding from Durham. Gladding picked up in a deadline day deal as he consistently failed to pass necessary fitness tests.

Once again it was clear fitness levels were at previously unseen and undesirable levels, whilst dominating possession and having the Lions share of chances - composure levels were akin to Lowe's panic when caught with vod. But like Corbyn they struggled on in there in the face of adversity.

As the game continued and 'The Varks' fitness waned, the Badgers began to look threatening and it took some poor finishing, some good blocking and some good keeping to stop them.

As the began to drift into a 0-0 draw, Millar found a tiny bit more energy and was able to break free into the oppositions box his shot though found the post and as the keeper gathered the game was over. A tough start to the Cheltenham league with a rusty side but a decent defensive display proves there is a foundation to work on.

Next on the agenda was finding somewhere to watch the football and having heard the disappointing news that Kuikui had been turned into a bar we thought we better try it out - as we wandered to signs looked good - all the TVs showing the game.

As we stepped inside though things took a turn for the worse, in an odd moment two blokes outside the front door inquired in a rather aggressive manner: 'you gay?'. Unperturbed by some weak chat we soldiered on, heading to ask the bar staff whether they would put the commentary on. As I strolled over a man wearing a sleeveless denim jacket and a cowboy hat came towards - alarm bells started ringing. As I reached the bar, I saw a group of about 20 blokes but worryingly not a single one of them was watching the football - my worries were confirmed when the bar lady almost laughed off my suggestion of the commentary being turned on for the match. Any doubts left were cast aside as a man starting hitting on priest, we had managed to walk in on 'Beerkellers' gay night. We more successfully tried the spoons next door, immediately more success was had.

Not only was the game and the commentary on but as we waited to find a seat, a grotesque old bag (GOB) decides with her years of experience behind her to give Mr Priest some advice and tells him in no uncertain terms to 'loose some weight'. Of course much to the delight of fellow KOLO members, GOB did though blemish her record by trying to claim she once was a professional athlete and therefore she knew about these things.

As the game rattled on, Mr Priest become embroiled in yet another fiasco - the young man on his return to the fold has managed to steal all the headlines, obviously subscribing the mantra that there is no such thing as bad publicity. This time round the rotund keeper and a decrepid elderly badger (DEB) engaged in a little chat, this culminated in DEB trying to get priest to finish his meal as he didn't have room for that and his glass of wine. As tempted as he was in sure, Mr Priest turned down the offer.

The next destination was chez Priest, time somehow flew by as we had fun and Priest texted Chloe. KOLO and honorary KOLO members began to drift in and out of slumber from 4am onwards, whilst Gladding continued to work on his left handed dart throwing, hoping not to get dropped again from Collingwoods (allegedly) esteemed side.

I arose at about 8.30 the next morning in panic knowing I had to be at work for 9am, on my way downstairs I ran into Mrs S dot Priest, however given my sleep deprived state I could barely see and given my lateness i couldn't stay and chat which was truly gutting as its not often you get the chance for a one-on-one with a MILF of that calibre.